Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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