his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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