shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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