i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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