how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
