I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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