maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
