you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
