no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
