Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize