I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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