Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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