i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
