Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
