i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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