i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
