I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
