I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
