I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
