I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
