My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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