I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
