Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
