i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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