As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
