There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
