I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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