forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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