the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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