I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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