I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
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