Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
