is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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