I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
