I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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