eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
