see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you will always have a special place in my vag
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize