It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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