He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
