maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
