Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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