Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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