I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize