I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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