i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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