sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
