i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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