I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
