Someone shit on the floor
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
