its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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