bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My cat gives me a boner
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
