I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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