I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
