What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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