i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
